


with a broken heart (that is still beating)

by starryJ



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor!Jae, I couldn't leave you without mentioning that, M/M, Minor Character Death, brian is in a coma, could be a tw for someone, doctor!wonpil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 00:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21027107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryJ/pseuds/starryJ
Summary: he spends the whole day in bed, imagining how would it feel to lace his fingers with brian’s, to leave a loving kiss on his nose, and then suddenly understands that all of his hopes and thoughts have always been stupid, that he should start thinking with his brain, not his already torn to pieces heart. there is no way brian is going to make it.(alt: brian has been in a coma for three months and all jae can do is hope and pray. the universe makes him go through too many tests and he is not sure he can last any longer.)





	with a broken heart (that is still beating)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Higelaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higelaw/gifts).

> happy birthday, Lau! just like i promised, this piece is for you, and i hope you enjoy it because i poured my soul into it! 
> 
> the idea came to me in summer but i was too afraid to fuck it up, so i only got to write it a few weeks ago. i did a lot of research to make it as realistic as possible, but there still may be inaccuracies, so please forgive me! also excuse my mistakes if you find any, english is not my first language. 
> 
> hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it! <3

when jae’s alarm goes off at seven thirty, it rains. the sound of heavy droplets falling on the rooftop is so loud that it is almost as disturbing and annoying as the alarm. it’s cold, and when jae opens one eye to check the situation outside he is met with the grumpy, almost black sky crying endlessly. it is something he would very much like to do too, in fact, he would rather stay in bed, hidden from the world under the softest blanket, for the rest of his life, just crying and thinking about the past that was undeniably a lot better than his present life. he spends a few more minutes regretting waking up at all, but no matter how much he wants to stay at home there is still work to be at; there is still another long, pointless gray day ahead. 

and so he gets up slowly, lazily, this thought being the only one in his head at the moment, makes his way to the kitchen and turns on the electric kettle. it is still raining and he’s shivering from cold but somehow still forgets to close the window – it doesn’t really bother him, not when he is alone in the apartment that doesn’t feel like home anymore. he makes himself a cup of coffee, careful not to add too much of it because he’s the unique person who gets sleepy after drinking it; but today he can’t let himself be sleepy, today is an important day – well, just like any other working day. he isn’t hungry, so he skips breakfast again – for the fourth time this week, considering that it’s friday. it wasn’t like that before, it was never like that: brian wouldn’t let him go to work without eating a whole five course meal cooked by him.

brian… it wasn’t like that when brian was by his side. brian would always wake up earlier despite working in the evenings, he would cook breakfast for them both and wake jae up with a slow kiss, so he didn’t even need an alarm in the first place – brian was his best alarm. brian then would help him tie his shoes if he still felt too lazy to do it himself, he would give jae another sweet kiss before sending him to the hospital where he’s been working for almost five years now, sometimes he would even give jae a lift and they would sing along to anything that came on shuffle from their shared playlist. jae was usually the one to cook dinner because brian got home quite late and he always did his best to repay all the efforts brian was making every morning for him to have a good day ahead – just waking up way before he could let himself do it was already enough for jae’s heart to ache from the love it always had for said man.

it all changed, disappeared when brian got into a car crash. ever since then jae’s whole life turned upside down, but not just because he lost all those moments he grew so used to, no. it’s just because brian doesn’t wake up early every morning now; brian doesn’t wake up at all. he’s been in a coma for almost three months now and, honestly, jae kind of feels like he’s in the same state as his boyfriend. being a doctor working in the same hospital where brian ended up after the crash has its own perks: he is allowed to visit kang whenever he wants to (which is actually still supposed to be prohibited because officially he isn’t a member of the kang family, but his colleagues just can’t follow the law when they see how much he suffers) and he can get, but, more importantly, decipher all the updates on his current state. the other side of being a doctor, though, is perfectly understanding that the more time brian spends in a coma, the less chances there will be for him to wake up ever again.

naturally, the state of being in a coma lasts up to four-five weeks, but every situation is different and there is no way to predict who’s going to make it and who isn’t, but, based on all the experiences and researches written about coma, the longer it lasts, the less hope there is for that person.

it’s not like jae lost his hope, of course it isn’t like that; he knows that right now he’s the only hope and light that are left for brian and is willing to do anything to bring him back to consciousness, but the reality is cruel enough to make him understand that there is nothing he can do, absolutely nothing. all he can do is watch how peaceful brian looks in his “sleep”, hold his hand and never let himself show that he’s in pain when in hospital (he does his best to avoid thinking that brian is slowly dying and it can’t be helped).

with all those thoughts he forgets about the coffee and only takes the first sip when it’s barely even lukewarm. he sighs, but finishes it quickly before it’s too late and then realizes that if he doesn’t hurry up he’ll be late for work. that realization makes him jump and almost run towards the door, completely forgetting about the umbrella. he puts on his warm coat, though, and then still comes back to one of the shelves despite almost running late; it is something he can’t ignore, a morning ritual of sorts or whatever you decide to call it. he carefully opens the small blue box and looks at it for a few seconds before whispering a quiet “just come back to me” and then finally leaves the apartment with this wish still in mind.

that box was found in kang’s backpack after the crash: it took jae weeks to make his friend and colleague sam give him that backpack. he wasn’t supposed to and could even get in trouble because of it, but the thing that was inside the box changed everything and he didn’t hesitate anymore. brian was going to propose and, though it wasn’t official yet, jae was his fiancé now, so technically he could get both the box and the backpack with brian’s stuff.

at first he couldn’t even look at the ring without tears quickly forming in the corners of his eyes; it felt like the universe was laughing right at his face as if saying “you could get married and have a happy life together, but instead you will have to watch your fiancé die and you won’t be able to do anything about it”. he hid the box somewhere among brian’s clothes and tried to forget about its existence, he really did, but it’s been haunting him ever since, his mind kept coming back to that perfectly shaped box no matter how much he tried to forget about it. eventually, he gave up and placed it on the shelf next to his favorite picture of them together and it still remains there, reminding him that he needs to be strong, needs to be positive – not really just for brian, but for what their future may still hold.

he makes it to the hospital just on time not to be scolded for being late again (he almost grew used to it nowadays), but has to get straight to work which means he can’t visit brian until the lunch break. one of his colleagues, sungjin, gives him a look full of concern but he just smiles back and fully focuses on his duty the moment he puts on his white coat. he may be suffering, may be broken, but when he’s at work he doesn’t let any of those feelings get to him and that’s why he is still working and is not crying in his bed after being kicked out of the hospital. remaining professional and collected when there are rains and storms on the inside, when all his thoughts are about brian and his health, has been the most difficult task for jae in these past few months, but at the same time it has also been the only thing keeping him sane, distracting from the piercing pain that had become his heart’s best companion nowadays.

the morning goes incredibly slow and jae feels that he’s never going to survive till the lunch break, but he isn’t even complaining, instead giving his little patients wide smiles and promising them they’re going to get better soon. for some of them it may be a lie, but being a doctor taught him that sometimes it’s the best option. if he wasn’t a doctor himself, he would prefer to hear that brian was going to recover in a few months and that everything was going to be okay, not that brian may never wake up or, that if he does, he may not remember not only jae, but also his family and any details about his previous life. he sighs at the vivid memory of sam saying those exact words a few weeks after the crash and it catches the attention of the girl he was supposed to examine.

“m-mister park…” she begins quietly and tugs on his coat. “you look a bit upset today. is everything alright?”

when she says that, jae mentally slaps himself in the face for letting the feelings control him again. he flashes a smile before asking her to get ready for the blood test and doesn’t say anything back; it makes her frown because he is her favorite doctor, she loves him more than wonpil and that says a lot, so seeing him sad breaks her little, but oh so strong heart. she tries again.

“you don’t have to tell me, but i really wish i could help you just like you help us all here…”

jae’s heart aches at these words and he gulps, trying to blink away the tears that are currently threatening to start falling from his eyes. thankfully, it works.

“thank you, sarah,” he says in a soft voice and somehow even manages to smile. “you’re an angel.”

“i am not,” she protests. “but you are! for helping us recover and for being so nice to us, you are definitely an angel. everyone loves you!”

“sometimes being a good person isn’t enough to have a happy life,” is all jae says before he boops her nose and moves to the other room.

of course she knows that, he thinks to himself later, because she’s been stuck in the hospital for months now, but what could a kid like her possibly do to piss the universe off this much? at times like that, when he has to work with kids more than with adults, he often asks this question. but then again, life is weird, life is unfair and thinking about it isn’t going to change anything, so instead of trying to understand why it happened, people should focus more on how to change it. it’s something he often forgets about, but it is also something that he always keeps in mind when he sees pale faces of the tiny, extremely thin children who trust him to keep them alive, who trust him enough to share their favorite toys and cry on his shoulder.

////

talking to his little patients makes his worries go away for some time, some of them even manage to bring a smile on his face, but it all disappears when he stands in front of the door to the room where brian… exists? jae is terrified to even think of what it’s like to be stuck between life and death and thinks that he would most likely already give up by that time. brian is different, he doesn’t want to give up, he is incredibly strong and his will to live is something that jae is undeniably very proud of.

he pushes the door open and takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm. seeing brian lying on that hospital bed with a face mask, seeing how he can’t breathe on his own, seeing him this pale and vulnerable, so quiet and not here hurts jae just like it hurt when he saw it for the first time. his legs feel like jelly and he leans on the door to steady himself, but soon recovers and takes a seat next to brian’s bed, taking one of his hands in his.

“hello, sunshine,” he half-whispers, giving brian’s hand a gentle squeeze as if trying to show that it’s him. “sorry i couldn’t come earlier, was a bit busy trying not to be late.”

he chuckles sadly, imagining how brian would be the first one to scold him for running late while he himself was late for work at least half of the time. but that is just something about his personality, something so natural about him – he didn’t want anyone to be mad at jae, so he pretended to be mad himself.

“sarah called me an angel today,” he continues, not really knowing what exactly he wants to say. “she’s so kind, noticed that i was feeling a bit down and tried to cheer me up. you know, the kids always notice when i’m sad and do their best to help me. it is so sweet of them, but every time it happens i find myself at a loss for words. what can i tell them when they say things like that?”

a memory suddenly comes to his mind, how one day he came back from work and started complaining about being tired from playing with the kids for too long. he said he couldn’t understand why they would want to play with him of all people, to which brian gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him they just saw his inner baby that wasn’t visible to anyone else, not even himself.

“this week has been so exhausting,” he complains with a sigh. “maybe it’s because of the weather, but i think it’s mostly because some of the kids got worse. we try to stop it, but it seems like all of the progress we’ve made is just disappearing while we talk. i know i don’t have the right to give up when those children and their parents are counting on me, but at the same time i can’t smile at them with a promise that they’re going to be okay soon, because nobody knows that. i honestly have no idea how wonpil manages to look optimistic when i know for sure that he cries in the shower every damn evening. oh wait, why would i even talk about it here… i’m sorry, bri. i know this week wasn’t the easiest for you as well.”

jae stops talking for a moment, but keeps rubbing circles on the skin of brian’s hand. he thinks about what else he could tell brian, but in reality all he can think about is how much he wishes brian would suddenly squeeze his hand back and slowly open his eyes. but of course it doesn’t happen and jae almost laughs at how pathetic his thoughts are.

“it’s sad that we still can’t know for sure if you hear and understand us or not… if only you were here not just physically… this life doesn’t feel the same without you, but the most painful thing about not having you with me is not being able to do anything to bring you back. we’re so helpless in this, bribri, and i’m very sorry that you’re alone in this fight. i would join you without even thinking about it if i could, but you have to do it yourself, there is no other way. you’re so special, so unique, you’re so strong, bri, and i know, i believe that you can do it. please, sunshine, come back to me and make my life colorful again.”

for an undeniably crazy second it seems to him that brian’s thumb moves slightly, but he doesn’t let himself get hopeful because he knows it’s just his imagination playing tricks on him.

nonetheless, that night he dreams of brian.

_“hey,” brian whispers to him with a smile when he slowly opens his eyes. “good morning.”_

_“morning,” he mumbles back and yawns. “please put your hands back on my waist, it’s cold.”_

_brian laughs quietly, but does as told and holds jae closer, tighter. jae hums, showing that he’s satisfied now and they just enjoy each other’s warmth for a few minutes but then jae frowns suddenly. brian notices that and kisses his forehead to make him smile, but it only works for a second before the frown is back, this time with a slight pout on the lips._

_“i was so afraid that i’d lose you, so scared you would never come back to my arms again…” jae says slowly, making each word sound like the most important in that phrase._

_“i’m s-” brian tries, but jae quickly shushes him._

_“no-no-no, you shouldn’t feel sorry about it, i just… i wanted to thank you for not giving up when you were… you know, there,” jae doesn’t want to ever mention it when talking about brian._

_“i could’ve done it, could’ve just let it all go… i mean, i can’t say that it was the real me in this state, that i could decide what to do, that i could even think straight, but there was a place for me to come back, a place, where i was needed, where someone was waiting for me. i had this feeling somewhere deep inside, somewhere so deep that i knew it even when i didn’t know anything else – when i didn’t know who i was, where i was and what was going on.”_

_“you’re here now…” jae mutters, caressing brian’s cheek. “but sometimes i feel like i’m still waiting for you to wake up and it hurts, but then-”_

_“i’m with you, jaejae, and i am not leaving you anymore,” brian says, voice firm and sure, and leans closer to steal a kiss from jae’s perfectly shaped lips._

jae wakes up with a wide smile on his face for the first time in months; but once he reaches his hand to the other side of bed and finds it empty, the smile falls immediately. he buries his face deep in the pillow and starts whining about how much he misses having brian by his side, talking to him and even just knowing that he’s not around because he’s busy with something, not because he’s hanging somewhere between the two worlds. he doesn’t dwell on it for too long, though, because he is sure he needs to get up for work; jae only realizes that he doesn’t have work today when he finally makes himself leave the warmth and softness of their bed. he looks at the calendar which tells him that it’s saturday morning and there’s confusion written all over his face, but then he smiles to himself upon understanding that it means he’ll be able to spend more time with brian today.

“hey, love,” he can’t help smiling sadly when he takes a seat next to brian’s bed, this time moving the chair even closer. “i brought ‘the little prince’ to read today. yes, bri, i know you don’t like reading, but it’s me who’s reading today, so i hope you’ll like it.”

in fact, jae isn’t sure that brian would enjoy it if he was awake and could protest. reading always makes him sleepy, but it also works when someone reads to him: jae remembers that every time he tried reading something out loud brian would soon be lulled to sleep by the sound of his voice.

“i miss you,” he confesses for the n-th time and kisses brian’s knuckles before opening the book.  
it somehow feels like time stands still: this part of the hospital has always been quiet, but today it’s like there are just him and brian, it’s like nothing can ruin their little magical bubble. somewhere halfway through the book jae starts feeling sleepy, but tries to keep reading even if his eyes are almost closing against his will. he thinks of how he kind of got used to never getting a reply from brian and this thought alone sends goosebumps all the way down from his neck: will he get used to not having brian at all too?.. the book falls on the floor.

“jae! jae!” someone’s voice yells a few moments later.

jae recognizes it almost immediately – it’s wonpil who stormed into the room, ignoring the sign asking to lower one’s voice when entering this wing of the hospital. wonpil’s face is all pale and there are tears streaming down his cheeks; it scares the hell out of jae as he jumps and shakes the sleepiness away.

“sarah can’t breathe on her own again, she’s coughing with blood and i-”

wonpil doesn’t get to finish because jae rushes out of the room and doesn’t stop even for a second until he finds little sarah suffocating in sungjin’s arms, who then hurries towards the intensive care unit. the girl is shaking by the time five doctors arrive there; they work like a clock mechanism, not exchanging a single word because there is no need to, still remaining focused even when she loses consciousness. her body is still shaking and they all know that it’s a bad sign, but still try all the possible options to save her life, to get her to breathe again.

“hold on, little princess,” jae begs in his head, not even noticing that his gloves are covered with blood. “just hold on a little longer…”

“her heartbeat is getting too slow!”

“there’s too much blood!” jae hears from sungjin’s side.

silence.

////

sarah joins the angels that day and jae feels like the reality has suddenly descended on his shoulders; he feels broken and only wants to give up on everything, wants to become one with the floor that he’s currently lying on. he hates himself for being so weak, so unprepared for such unexpected things, but he still can’t stop crying, can’t stop thinking about the life little sarah could’ve had if only they were a bit luckier, faster in that terrifying rock-paper-scissors game with the death. he can’t stop blaming himself, though he knows that it’s more than normal for a doctor who lost to the death to feel this way; he hears wonpil’s quiet sobs somewhere in the corner and it creates another hole in his heart, a hole that can never be healed.

he gets a few days off to recover from the loss, but being alone in the silent apartment only makes everything worse. jae keeps reading pink post-it notes written by sarah for him over and over again, crying every time he sees the shortest, yet the most meaningful of them. _“i think i know why you blink so often: it’s because you were crafted by the beautiful night sky and if you keep your eyes open for too long, the stars will start falling,”_ she wrote one day.

he never truly understood why she thought of him as of someone special, maybe even unique, when he was just an ordinary doctor doing his job, but her words always brought a smile on his face. he doesn’t sleep at night and survives on strong tea and loud music because every time he closes his eyes there’s her bright smile, her melodic laugh and her shiny eyes whenever she started planning what she was going to do in the future, once she’s back home. on the third day jae feels so exhausted and emotionally empty that he falls asleep with a teacup in his hands only to wake up from a nightmare and see the cup broken all over the floor.

he cuts his hand while trying to clean all the mess he’s made in the past few days; it’s nothing serious but the sight of blood makes him want to throw up and causes tears to fall from his eyes once again. people get hurt all the time and they get used to everything, but the pain takes time to stop being so piercing, so sharp, and it never fully goes away; there is no way to mend one’s broken heart once there are holes in it – no matter how much you pretend that you’re okay there will always be days when you’ll feel like your soul is crumbling. jae knows that sarah’s image will follow him for a long time and truly hates himself for not sticking to the title of a professional doctor, one that doesn’t get too attached to the patients – kids or adults.

this feeling is nothing compared to the sudden realization of how hopeless brian’s situation is: it comes to him on the fourth day, the day before he is supposed to go back to work. he spends the whole day in bed, imagining how would it feel to lace his fingers with brian’s, to leave a loving kiss on his nose, and then suddenly understands that all of his hopes and thoughts have always been stupid, that he should start thinking with his brain, not his already torn to pieces heart. there is no way brian is going to make it, he hasn’t shown any signs of getting better in the past three weeks, instead only slipping further into the state of being in a coma.

that is what jae thinks when it starts raining at eleven in the evening, brian’s favorite time of the day, that is what jae tries to make himself believe, but instead of accepting this undeniable scientific fact he starts praying. jae prays for sarah’s soul, prays for his own soul, prays for the universe to give him back the life he’s lost, to let brian wake up. he thinks that it is okay if brian doesn’t remember him, it is okay if he never remembers him and the time they spent together, never remembers the ring and the promise to always be by his side, it is all okay if brian wakes up after all he’s been through.

////

“doctor park?” one of brian’s doctors catches him in the hallway when he finally gets back to work, still feeling weak but knowing that it’s way better than staying alone.

“yeah, do you need me?” he asks, a bit confused.

“i have some good news about mister kang,” the man says, but his expression remains plain. “please follow me if you have a minute.”

jae doesn’t have any free time as he decided to get himself as busy as possible to avoid seeing brian and breaking down again, and he feels his heart sink when he hears those words because he can’t get hopeful again, not when he’s just started trying to accept the fact that brian is never coming back to life. nonetheless, he follows the doctor who doesn’t even say anything else, just leads the way. when he opens the door and lets jae in, he stands there with his mouth open in shock; he suddenly forgets how to blink and almost loses his balance as he literally jumps to the bed and freezes there, not believing what he sees. brian doesn’t have a face mask on anymore, he breathes on his own: quietly, but steadily.

“oh brian…” jae whispers, leaving kisses on his hands.

a few tears fall on brian’s skin but jae doesn’t notice it, not until his hand twitches slightly. jae gasps when he feels it.

“do you… do you think he’s waking up?”

“we can’t be sure about that, but compared to the last weeks his brain started to react to more things than it did before. yesterday he began breathing on his own, but we let his body get used to it before removing the mask.”

“is there a chance that he can hear us?”

“he probably does, but the possibility of him actually understanding it is very low. his brain may react to familiar voices, but he doesn’t have control over this reaction, it is just there, so he most likely doesn’t even recognize whose voice it is.”

“can i stay with him a little longer?” jae asks, basically pleads.

“unless you have somewhere else to be?” the doctor replies, but it sounds more like a question.

jae does, so he bites his lower lip before quickly kissing brian’s forehead and promises that he’ll come back in the evening. this time he doesn’t run away, instead choosing to face whatever life is trying to show him; he can’t believe that just a few hours ago he was so ready to give up, but doesn’t really blame himself for it – it was a desperate time, time of sorrow, but now he’s given a sign, given hope again.

“i’m so proud of you,” jae says when the evening comes, holding brian’s hand tightly. “you’re doing so well on your own. i’m sorry for not visiting you for a few days, it wasn’t the easiest time for me… but who am i to give up when you keep fighting like this?”

jae feels his eyes starting to water as he says it; he knows that brian would disagree with him and tell him that everyone’s feelings are valid and there is no need to compare your problems to others’ difficulties. he smiles just thinking about it and finds himself unable to look away from brian’s chest that rises and falls so steadily, unable to stop listening to his quiet breathing. for someone who’s never been in such situation it would be something not worth much attention, but to jae it’s like coming back to his previous life, like the biggest gift the universe has ever given him.

“your birthday is only two weeks away. remember how we decided not to celebrate it last year and save the celebration for christmas instead, but then i still made you that awfully looking disgustingly sweet cake?” jae giggles like a child.

okay, it might have shocked brian a little, especially the fact that jae somehow managed not to burn the whole apartment down, but that was definitely one of the funniest birthday celebrations they’ve had together. the cake almost ended up on the floor, but it was worth it because brian had been smiling the whole evening and night. god, how much jae misses that smile.

“i still can’t believe you literally swallowed that cake,” he admits, lips brushing against the skin of brian’s hand. “i promise to make you a better one when you wake up. maybe you’ll wake up on your birthday? who knows… but i will keep waiting, love, no matter how long it takes.”

that night jae doesn’t go home, instead chooses to take a nap in the not-so-comfortable hospital chair, but he doesn’t regret it once he wakes up to the feeling of brian’s hand slightly squeezing his own back: it’s barely noticeable, but it still makes jae’s heart beat faster and brings a wide smile on his face.

but, of course, jae’s life doesn’t suddenly get painted with rainbows and sunshine rays: he gets really busy at work, so he doesn’t always have time to eat, not to mention spending it with brian. wonpil gets sick and jae has to do all the job they’ve been doing together – and that includes taking care of seven more little patients, so he basically moves to the hospital to be able to visit brian at least late in the evenings.

it keeps raining even though it’s already december and jae almost gets used to the thought that they won’t have snow even for christmas, but deep inside he still hopes that the rain will stop one day, preferably soon.

brian doesn’t wake up for his birthday; it’s not that jae really expected it to happen on this exact day, but a part of him wanted to believe in such miracle. he buys a cake in the nearest little bakery and shares it with all the colleagues, then buys another one just for sam and the other doctor who have been taking care of brian on behalf of kang too. it’s the most quiet birthday jae’s ever celebrated in his whole life, but he doesn’t mind it at all when brian hums unconsciously as if replying to one of jae’s countless love confessions.

“you know, bri, i’ve come to a realization that… i’m so content with just listening to your breathing,” jae begins that evening, not knowing where this sentence is going to lead him, but feeling the need to say it. “it’s such a big step for you, you’re so strong. i know i say it all the time, but i want you to know that i’m so, so beyond proud of you.”

when christmas comes around, brian is still in a coma, but his body keeps showing signs that he is more present in this life than anywhere else, that he can hear and understand things to a certain extent, that he is actually more alive than dead. on christmas morning sam tells jae that from now on they can expect kang to wake up at any moment, unless he gets worse and slips back, even further in his coma (jae erases this phrase from his memory the second he hears it) and it seems to be the best present he’s ever received for christmas – even if it’s not happening yet. he gets to spend most of the day sitting next to brian’s bed and finally finish reading “the little prince” because wonpil is back at work and the children don’t really need much of their attention today since it’s christmas and everyone is surrounded by their family members.

despite being twenty nine jae still believes in the power of shooting stars and in christmas wishes – and he only has one wish.

////

brian opens his eyes two days after christmas: he groans quietly as he literally forces himself to do so, confusion written all over his face when he slowly realizes what is going on. he tries to say something, but his tongue is very reluctant to move, so no sound comes out even when he opens his mouth and moves his lips, so instead he makes an effort to lift his right arm up and gently shake jae’s shoulder. it feels like the most difficult thing he’s ever had to do in his whole life, in fact, he still doesn’t fully understand where he is and what happened to him in the first place. jae, who’s fallen asleep with his head placed on the edge of brian’s bed, almost jumps when someone touches him, suddenly scared. he looks up almost immediately, rubs his eyes to get rid of the remaining sleepiness and shakes his head in disbelief; his mouth falls open and for a few moments he just freezes in that position, not moving and not even blinking.

jae’s fingers seem to react faster than his brain and in a second he’s already pressing the red button that is supposed to call the doctor, but his eyes are still on brian and, well, all he can think about is brian – awake, alive, present, his. brian looks back at him, still confused, but his lips slowly form a small smile; jae can see how difficult it is for him since his muscles aren’t used to moving like they did and he doesn’t expect his fiancé to suddenly wake up healthy and undamaged, so for him it’s still easily the most beautiful smile in the whole world. the silent conversation they have with just their eyes gets interrupted when sam rushes into the room, kind of scaring them both.

“oh my goodness,” he says when he notices that his patient is awake.

“please tell me this is not one of my dreams,” jae begs as his vision gets blurry because of the tears.

sam comes closer to greet brian and soon confirms that jae is pretty much not dreaming, but that is all he says for a while because he immediately gets himself busy trying to figure out what brian remembers and what he doesn’t, how exactly he feels and what he can do, if he even understands where and who he is. since brian still can’t talk properly (and jae knows it’ll take him some time) but can nod and move his fingers, sam builds their conversation around those small yet meaningful gestures.

“let’s do one more, okay? do you know this man?” sam asks as he points at jae, who holds his breath, afraid of the things that can go wrong.

now that brian is awake and is looking at him, jae can’t bring himself to agree with his past self thinking that he’d be okay if brian didn’t remember him. he wouldn’t.

brian nods, then moves his lips again and this time he manages to say something very quietly, something that jae catches only because he leans impossibly close, something that both breaks and mends his heart simultaneously.

“love,” is all brian says, but it is enough for jae to start crying uncontrollably, releasing all the emotions that have been bottled up for what felt like forever.

brian looks confused and hurt when he sees it, he desperately wants to reach out his hand and stroke jae’s back or kiss his forehead and promise that he’s never going to scare him like this again, but all he can do is touch jae’s thigh and it is already tiring for him. he feels like he’s just woke up from a very long sleep, so it’s quite difficult for him to think straight, but he is sure about this one thing – he was going to marry “this man” and, no matter how much time he spent “asleep”, no matter how much time it’ll take him to recover: he still wants jae to say yes.

“jokes aside, mister kang, your case is honestly an amazing example of how miracles happen in real life. we still have to do more tests and some scannings to be able to say more, but it is already surprising that you remember most of the things that happened before the accident and, what is even more shocking, in a good way, of course, is that you are actually able to talk and make basic movements because it’s something people usually have lots of difficulties with. surely, it’ll take you some time to readjust, but then again, judging from the tests and the way you react to the things happening around you, we can be very positive and maybe even say that it’ll only take you a few months to fully recover. you have to keep waking your brain up by doing different activities in order to help it work faster, like it normally should, so if you’re not too tired yet i suggest you to start a simple conversation with jae.”

“okay,” brian says after a few seconds.

“but i repeat,” sam frowns as he turns to look at jae. “a simple conversation. keep it short, don’t make him overwork his brain. i’ll sit in the corner and take notes as you talk, and we’ll begin all the necessary procedures tomorrow once he’s fully awake.”

“jae,” brian tries to catch his attention; of course it works. “how long?”

“three months.”

“you… you… you waited?” he sounds surprised and jae wants to pout, but controls himself, saving it for some time later.

“of course i did, bri,” he says instead, looking at brian fondly. “i love you.”

“love you too. you read? read me something?”

“you heard it?” jae can’t believe what he hears; sam looks surprised too.

“don’t know. maybe. later i will remember.”

“you should rest,” jae whispers, reaching out his hand to caress brian’s cheek, who leans into the touch.

“yes. tired. sing me?”

when jae turns around to ask for sam’s permission to sing, he is already gone. jae smiles to himself and takes brian’s hands in his before he starts singing the first song that comes to mind; brian mirrors his smile, he doesn’t seem to care what song jae is singing, he is content with just hearing his voice.

////

they celebrate new year together: brian starts making longer sentences and becomes more energetic, so they have longer conversations and jae feels that he’ll never have enough of those, feels the need to always stay by brian’s side. he helps the younger move around the hospital because, obviously, he can’t do it on his own yet, but the progress they achieve in just two weeks is incredible. on the third week brian slowly starts walking without help, but still insists on holding jae’s hand – not because he needs it, but because he wants it. jae keeps giggling like a child, the blush on his cheeks looking especially bright and adorable compared to the white coat he wears all the time.

“there’s something i still can’t remember no matter how hard i try,” brian begins with a slight frown when he gets back to bed late in the evening; jae wants to kiss it away.

“what is it?” jae murmurs, busy getting lost in his eyes.

“this is going to sound very strange, but i’m being serious right now…”

“alright?”

“i forgot what it’s like, how it feels to kiss you. i do remember us kissing and i know that it felt good, but how good?” brian gets a little shy when he talks about it and jae finds it cute.

“i can remind you if you want to,” he suggests with a smile.

“it’d be very nice of you,” the younger jokes. “but what if i can’t-”

jae shuts him up with a kiss – a slow one in which he tries to express all the emotions he’s felt in those past three months and the happiness of finally reuniting with the love of his life. brian lies about “probably having lost the ability to kiss” because god does jae feel good when he kisses back with just as much love, when he makes a move to deepen the kiss.

“so, how did it feel?” jae asks, breathless, when they pull away.

“a lot better than i could imagine from what i remembered,” brian winks at him.

they go silent for a few minutes, just enjoying each other’s presence, but it is clear that brian wants to say something; jae sees it but decides to wait – he doesn’t have to wait long, though.

“uh… jae? do you know what happened to my things after the crash? is my backpack here in the hospital or maybe it was thrown away or-”

“it was in the hospital, but i made sam give it to me, so it’s currently at home,” while brian visibly relaxes, jae gets nervous instead.

“you know, this is most definitely not how i imagined this – totally not while being stuck in the hospital after spending three months in a coma, but i’ve been waiting for so long that i can’t keep it to myself anymore, and after all that happened, what if this life decides to make me wait even longer? i don’t even want to think about it. besides, you probably saw it, so…”

this time it’s brian who takes jae’s hands in his; they look at each other with fond smiles, both knowing what’s going to happen next, but still feeling nervous and somewhat afraid yet anticipating it very much.

“park jaehyung… you’re the one who literally stayed by my side through everything. i will never be able to thank you enough for choosing me of all people, for giving the imperfect me so much love, for taking care of me, for not giving up when my situation was this hopeless. because of you, i came back to life. you’re the light that shines brighter than the sun, the one who makes my life better, who makes me better. i was going to ask this question a lot sooner, but this whole thing made me realize once again that life is too short to wait for a perfect moment, that instead of waiting we should create that perfect moment ourselves. and so i’m asking you, love, will you marry me, will you be my finale in this story of life?”

“yes,” jae replies and leans in for a kiss before he begins crying again.

there is no way to mend one’s heart once it’s broken, but it is also difficult to keep it beating, keep that person alive, not just existing. brian manages to do just that: when no one else can do it, he brings jae back to life – just like jae brought him back. and if the sky is starless that night, it is because the stars are there – shining in jae’s eyes.

the angels smile looking at them; all is well.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this work, it means a lot to me! please leave kudos and share your thoughts in the comments, i'm beyond excited to hear what you felt while reading this one since i consider myself quite bad at writing angst.
> 
> you can also support me on ko-fi if you like this work! i'd be beyond thankful xxx
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/starryj


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